venite adoremus dominum

It's almost Christmas. Obviously everyone and everyone's friends and so on is excited. I'm excited. I love the commercial side of Christmas.

The religious side is what kinda gets me feeling uncomfortable. I like organized religion, as long as I'm not the one practicing it. I have good friends that are religious, and I support them. When people I know go to mass or pray or whatever, I'm supportive. When I think about whether or not I believe that there is some higher power out there, though, I get frustrated. It makes me feel kinda foolish even.

I couldn't say why. Couldn't even guess. I guess I just haven't even seen the need for the existence of divine power in my life so far. I can believe in magic without really having to think about it much. But belief in a God doesn't come as easily for some reason.

People used to need religion to explain what was going on all around them. The ancient Greeks didn't know why the seasons changed, but the Hades/Persephone myth made it perfectly clear that Demeter was pissy and lonely for half the year. Tada, seasons.

It's pretty clear to me that the only reason I'm so turned off to the Christian faith, is because I was raised to believe it was the only viable religion. Once I got older and read this, that and the other, I saw that different beliefs arose throughout history all over the world. It was really quite confusing.

I took a step backwards to see why everyone around me believed what they did. It seemed like people just blindly accepted whatever their parents told them. Where was the self-affirmation. Where was the scholarly investigation? Since when was it okay to agree to something without knowing anything about what you were buying into?

Maybe I'm naive or idealistic or just missing a huge piece of the puzzle here. Maybe all three. In any case, I have a message for any potential deities that might be real.

To whichever deity it may concern: I'm sorry if you do, in fact, exist. You must find this whole doubting business of mine quite offensive. You will, however, assumably be happy to know that I am not shut off completely to the idea of a higher power. I just like proof. It really isn't important to me that I make up my mind on the whole religion issue any time soon though. Again, sorry for being such a skeptic.

Have a wonderful day,
~Me

人魚じゃない…

The stiff and strong
Are Death's companions.
The soft and weak
Are Life's companions.
Therefore,
The strongest armies do not conquer
The greatest trees are cut down.
The strong and great sink down.
The soft and weak rise up.
-Daodejing, chapter 76

Studying for exams.
Just thought I'd post this passage.
Ancient Chinese literature is really something...

Read Your Dreams to the Stars

But I know there's so much more to find,
Just in looking through myself and not at them.

Listening to Spring Awakening (which I'm sure some of you already figured out) and thinking about life, as it has that effect on people. I haven't written here in ages. I haven't written anything in ages. It's really a shame. I think I wrote a poem a while back, but it was just to fill the pages and my time. So I'm in school. Have been for a good while now. I'm thoroughly loving it, but of course I do miss being home. I miss my puppy and fat kitty the most.

I do get annoyed at times because I clearly remember everyone telling me not to worry about boys in high school because college boys were just bound to lurve me. Well that, my friends, has not happened as of yet. I'm oblivious, but even I would have noticed...

Oh well. I guess it just bugs me. I'm not at school to find my little old self a husband, so I'll survive (I suppose). What I might not survive is the end of the first semester. I have an 8-page paper due Friday, and exams next week (4 of them, lame), but then. CHRISTMAS BREAK. WAAAAAH!

Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night,
And I won't let them stray from my heart.
Through the wind, through the dark,
Through the winter light...

I'm a Wishful Thinker With the Worst Intentions

Greetings cuddly alien friends!

I hope things on your respective home planets are going swimmingly. It's been far too long since I posted all the inner workings of the mess that is my brain. And since The Nanny was so kind to tag me, here I am! I'm not going to tag anyone, since she stole all the people I wanted to tag. Stealerface.

The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you (see above).
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

SHAZAM.

ichi ~ I have 13,211 songs in my iTunes library. That's 35.7 days and 79.76 GB of randomness.

ni ~ I think that vampires are incredibly sexy.

san ~ I've been taking Latin for five years straight. Six if you count Classics, which I took in 7th grade.

shi ~ I bleed orange. Longhorn for life.

go ~ I believe in magic.

roku ~ I've read the first Harry Potter book over 20 times. I can basically quote the entire first movie.

So you were born in an electrical storm,
Took a bite out the sun,
Saw your future in a machine built for two.

EDIT // Wow. I cannot read. Five is not six. Let's just leave it at that. And also. Tagging Stella.

We Sail Through Our Youth So Impatiently

Okay so. Short post today. I have tests in Latin & Economics tomorrow. But I DESPERATELY need to plug the new Vanessa Carlton CD.

It. Is. AMAZING.

There are songs on here that don't even really relate to me.
But somehow they do.
Like.
Okay. The song, "Come Undone" has a line that made me tear up for no apparent reason the first time I heard it. I had to pause it. And just sit for a second.

"There are people in this lifetime
That we should never meet.
'Cause to be here now without you,
Well, my life's so incomplete.
I'll tell you what you mean to me
And maybe then you'll see."

That whole verse just struck me. Especially the first line. Just. Wow.

And her piano playing. CHRIST. She is amazing. I will probably be listening to nothing but this CD for a week. It is that great. She's like the John Mayer of the piano. Just unbelievable.

And to think that an hour ago I thought I was going to listening to nothing but The Used this week. Life really is full of très magnifique surprises.

But most of all:

Music, I salute you.

A Romantic's Lament (In Which I Waste Time That I Do Not Have)

I want to sleep. I should try. I might try. But I know it's no use.
Thoughts of him won't let me be.
Dammit, boy.
Why can't my heart behave?
"They're so cute together."
Well. Yes. They are.
But that doesn't make it easier to see them walking, side-by-side.
He's always smiling at her.
She's always smiling back.
I'm sure they talk about everything.
Not just one, stupid dead language.
He talks to her about lots of other things.
Because he enjoys talking to her.
That's all I ask for.
Not for what they have.
But that maybe he'd enjoy talking to me too.
If only a little bit.
Please?


Such poetic sadness. I should slap myself. That wasn't even meant to be a poem. I just started breaking the lines off. I think it's because I'm used to writing like that now. Arg. The shorter lines don't mean less of the truth, though. I miss him. Right now. I miss his face. Even though I'll see it for another 45 minutes straight tomorrow, and 55 for the two days after that.
It's borderline creepy. Actually. It's probably completely creepy. He doesn't know, of course. But I feel creepy. And utterly powerless. I hate it. It's unfair. Why can't my heart dwell on someone attainable? Someone that I can pursue without the bittersweet taste of regret already filling my senses. It tastes/smells/feels/looks/sounds like cyanide and the sky just before it rains.

It's strangely enticing.
I hate it.


Until next time,
When my heart,
If all goes well,
Will be behaving itself.

-Zanzibar George

Where Has All the Content Gone?

Not much going on. I'm going to post a poem or two after a survey. Damn The Nanny. She tagged me. And everyone else. So here it is. All of my dark secrets revealed by the time I count to 12. Only not:

1.) What I was doing ten years ago: Being a crazy second grader. You know how we do.
2.) Five years ago: Being miserable. Moving schools is really not fun. Yar.
3.) One year ago: Trying not to die from the sudden shock that is junior year.
4.) Yesterday: Probably nothing.
5.) 5 snacks I enjoy: Pocky. Honey toast. Cheetos. Pirouettes. Reese's.
6.) 5 Things I would do if I suddenly had $100 million: Buy at least one horse. Buy a ranch. Complete the collections of all my fandoms.
7.) 5 locations I would like to run away to: Whitefish. Narnia. Hogwarts. MCR's tour bus. Behind the veil.
8.) 5 bad habits I have: Touching my face. Biting my cuticles. Being ADD. Staying up too late. Taking life too fast.
9.) 5 things I like doing: Reading. Watching anime. Fangirling. Being with Sidera. Writing.
10.) 5 TV shows I like: Will & Grace. The Office. Naruto. Prison Break. Law & Order: SVU.
11.) 5 things I hate doing: Homework. Being fake. Feeling guilty. Feeling close-minded. Fighting with people I love.
12.) 5 Biggest joys of the moment: Sidera. Love. Music. The solitude my mind provides. Hope.



That was fun. Er. Or something. Now for some poetry. Everyone got their berets? Well then, let us begin:

Iris

Where Iris sprawls in peaceful symphonia,

The colors mingle in euphoric grace.

Dip your brush into the clashing hues:

Dole out plums dyed deep with wine.

Let the reddest of peppers lick fire to your tongue.

Coat yourself with cultured beige.

Snatch the pearly sweetness of each pastry.

Immerse your world in make-believe cacti dreams.

A deluge of sensory ecstasy.

All in a moment—

Grow close to distant minds—

All in a glance—

Let the canvas spirit your senses away—

Away in a flash of colorful understanding.

Lalalala. Next one.

Inside

The wind gropes,

Through darkness.

I know it will find us.

But I am not afraid.

Holding her

Holding me.

We clutch in vain

At the warmth of those fires.

After Zephyrus has caressed

Untold fissures of our limbs,

He will know:

It is not his touch that makes us quake.

Our beating hearts

Match the beating drums.

Betraying no answers.

But we are not afraid.